When Others Wrong Us (Matthew 18:15-20)

Some people might think that Christian communities should be places where everyone is happy, people get along perfectly, and there are never any problems in our lives or in our relationships. The reality is far from this idealised picture of how some people think churches should be. Church communities are full of flawed, imperfect people who get things wrong. We can all say or do things that others will disagree with, can get people offside, or might genuinely hurt people. A lot of the time we might not even know how the things we say or do can affect others, or how our words or actions might hurt or offend them.

So, what do we do if someone sins against us or wrongs us in some way? Maybe we could:

• Pretend nothing happened and continue as normal
• Avoid that person as much as we can and never speak to them again
• Tell our Christian friends about what they did and maybe ask them to pray for us (even though we might actually be looking for people to tell us that we’re right and the other person is wrong…?)

There have always been conflicts among Christians since the time of Jesus, so he gives us some practical advice on what to do when people sin against us. We can hear Jesus’ teaching on how he wants his followers to treat each other when one does wrong to another in this week’s Gospel reading, Matthew 18:15-20.

Jesus begins by saying that the first step is to go to that person and explain what they’ve done to wrong or hurt us (v15). Jesus is talking specifically about conflict within the Christian community. While this might also be good advice with people who aren’t part of our Christian family, it is vital for healthy relationships within the church that we listen to and follow Jesus’ instructions. Jesus says to go in private to explain what the other person has done. There are many times when we might not realise that we have done wrong to a sister or brother in the faith, so assuming the wrong was unintentional, Jesus instructs us to go to the person and explain what has happened. At this stage we’re keeping it just between ourselves so other people don’t need to get involved and we are keeping our sister or brother’s good reputation intact, just like the Eighth Commandment teaches us.

In going to the person who has wronged us and beginning a conversation about what happened, Jesus teaches that our goal is to win the other person back (v15). We don’t go to the person to criticise them, accuse them or back them into a corner. Our aim is always for God’s grace to win the day and be evident in our relationships. Hopefully, the person who did wrong will see what they did and confess their wrong, while the person who was wronged will freely forgive the other person, and the relationship is restored. In all situations where there is conflict, the aim and the goal is for Christians to learn and participate in God’s unforced rhythms of grace. We do this by confessing our wrongs, giving and receiving forgiveness, and restoring relationships as people whom God has forgiven and have a new relationship with God because of his love and undeserved kindness to us in Jesus.

Unfortunately, there are times when this restoration of relationships doesn’t happen straight away. That’s why Jesus continues by saying that if we are unsuccessful in restoring the relationship, then we try again by taking one or two other people with us (v16). This isn’t to pressure the person into complying or to force them to admit they were wrong, but to try to encourage the person to reconcile and make what was wrong right again. If they still won’t listen, Jesus says to take the matter to the church (v17). This doesn’t have to be and probably won’t be in a public worship service, but maybe more like involving church leaders, such as pastoral assistants or other leaders of the church community, to try to help resolve the situation. The one or two other people who went along previously can then give their impressions of what’s happening and they can all work together to sort the problem out.

If all that fails and the relationship still can’t be restored, then Jesus says, “treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (v17 NIV). Some people have interpreted this as expelling them from the church community until they see the error of their ways. A better way to understand it is to remember how Jesus treated pagans and tax collectors. One of the sharpest criticisms Jesus received from the religious leaders of his day was that he associated with and even ate with tax collectors and other sinners (eg Matthew 9:9-13). What Jesus might be saying when he tells his followers to treat people who won’t acknowledge their wrongs as “a pagan or a tax collector” is that we are to hang in there and do everything we can to extend God’s love and grace to them so they can be restored in their relationships with God as well as with Christian community. Just like Jesus did.

This whole process, from going to the person privately to treating them as “a pagan and a tax collector”, is about reaching out to someone who has wronged us with grace, mercy and Christ-like love. It’s not about scoring points, making someone else look bad, or winning a battle. It’s all about showing the people who wrong us the same unconditional love and grace that God showed us when he came to us in Jesus even though we had wronged him, when he gave everything on the cross so we can be restored in our relationship with him, and find a deep sense of value and belonging in Christian community. Following Jesus’ teaching on reconciling relationships is a natural and sincere extension of God’s reconciling and renewing grace to us in Jesus towards the people around us who might wrong us.

Some people might think that the ideal Christian community has no conflict, everyone gets along with each other, and there are never any problems. Maybe a more ideal expression of Christian community is when there are conflicts, misunderstandings or hurts, these give us opportunities to ask for and extend God’s life-giving grace in our relationships with each other. As we grow in our ability to talk honestly with people who have wronged us, to listen to the hurts of others and confess where we have wronged them, and to give and receive forgiveness and grace to each other, we will grow stronger as a church community that has the grace of Christ at the centre, that trusts his self-sacrificing love which restores our relationships with God and each other, and that gives a faith-filled witness of the reconciling and renewing goodness of God to the hurting people of a broken world around us.

More to think about or discuss:

• Have you ever been wronged by someone in your church? If you have, what did you do about it? How did that work out for you?
• Would you find it easy or difficult to follow Jesus’ teaching if someone in your church community wronged you? Why is that? What might happen if you did as Jesus teaches?
• What is one thing you can do to help live in a restored relationship with a person in your church community, either someone who has wronged you or someone you have wronged?